We've won - but I'm super lost.

I think I have done my bit for the games with my general Gold-level support. I was nice about the opening Ceremony, I have admitted to a fondness for young Chemmy, who is on constant enthuse; I haven’t moaned excessively about any of it, but it is now sadly beginning to grate.

Firstly, Ice Hockey. I get it. Would I do it? Nope, not a snowball’s chance in hell. Frightfully butch, testosterone a gogo, yeah, yeah, all that… and more. But can someone tell me where the bloody puck is? I see it on screen for about 1 second in 20. Then there’s a huge crash, then a cheer, and then a slow-motion replay shows me the puck, which I haven't seen since a man from the prison, wearing a striped shirt, dropped it onto the ice, and a fight started.

Then a bloody organ starts practising scales - badly!

Then, we cut back to the studio to be reminded that this is VERY exciting because