This is what the TV licence is for!

A visual reminder of how easy it is to invest money badly - and still have fun.

The Eurovision Song Contest is tonight.

I have now identified Victoria Swarovski, the 32-year-old female presenter. She is a 5th-generation member of the multi-billion-dollar Swarovski empire. She works as a model, is a singer, hosts the German version of Strictly Come Dancing, and heads up the ORIMEI fashion brand. “I don’t want to focus too much on my family’s company; I just want to focus more on my own company. So that’s why I just wanted to try to separate that a bit.” She then just avoided a Ratner Prawn Sandwich moment by saying, “It would be obvious if I were to wear Swarovski, I would think. Instead, I’m going to wear a very big brand that is actually doing jewellery with diamonds.”Her current boyfriend is Mark Mateschitz, 34, the son of late Red Bull co-founder Dietrich Mateschitz. So we can all stop worrying about her now, or the idea that Eurovision is the presenters’ graveyard. It did Terry Wogan’s career no end of good, and it doesn’t appear to be hindering Graham Norton’s either.

Anyway, what have we got for your delight…

Here is a brief insight into the running order, timing, voting and songs themselves. (When the word “brief” is used in Eurovision, it isn’t an English brief… more like an Italian “brief”)