ROYAL ASCOT - DAY ONE

Tuesday 16th June 2026

As I write, a couple of hundred chums are girding their loins, preparing for Ascot, straightening ties, wondering where the hell they put their stick-pin when they returned from the wedding of Griselda to Antigone.

It's hard to remember any of that day because [a] they were only serving cocktails made with Pussers Naval Rum or Plymouth Navy Strength Gin and [b] it was the first time you realised that Antigone was transitioning much to his dear old mother’s delight. Your last remembered, slightly incoherent conversation with the happy couple was about asking Antigone whether he would become Oedipus.

Anyway, I digress. As you head off to the No-one Car Park, in the full expectation of seeing your barber, Billy Shears, Mrs Mop the daily and Ali Khan, who has the fag shop on the corner, all enjoying their first day of RE membership, do remember to take all the bits you need to actually get in - the least important of which is the badge.

You need a photo ID, and, as I know to my cost, not being a driver and having your passport renewed leaves one with an immediate shortfall of paperwork. Good luck with that, when Madame requires her hat to be loaded in the car and … mind the picnic…

Then you need a receipt and a print-out, or the scannable copy of the receipt, because since you became a member of The Royal Enclosure in 1974, you might have become radicalised, or bought crypto or used AI or been on Snapchat or had a fag, or drank, or ate Foie Gras or thought Churchill was pretty bloody good.

Oh, and the Ascot Authority wants £25 extra to meet the running costs of treating you like an Asda shoplifter.

Actually, Asda shoplifters don’t get stopped, so that’s a poor analogy.

Talking of the experience of failing to meet the expectation, here are today’s tips.