Goodbye Glorious 5 - Carry On Galway 6

I'm calling the Stewards!

As we crash into the third weekend of PM Policies That Aren’t Real Policies, we now know that Andy Burnham will not be giving any further time to the Assisted Suicide Bill. One assumes he has realised that he can kill off most of the country without any need for time-wasting legislation.

I’m also expecting a major non-policy announcement on Immigration, which is prompted by the triple TV images this Friday of the 1000s of young men breaking into Ceuta from Morocco; the hundreds of people every day still arriving in boats in Blighty; and interviews with Les Flics standing sur le plage and saying “Qui Moi?”

Anyone who has ever been to Ceuta will be bewildered as to why anyone would break into the territory. Imagine Dungeness after a nuclear explosion, followed by a tsunami. Anyway, the PM will be telling us he is “strengthening” our “returns” programme to places like Pakistan and Algeria - both of whom have recently refused to take back some of their home-produced crims, on the grounds that… they’re crims!

Talking of convicted criminals, Louise Haigh