Gnocchi, Farmers playing Golf, and why Lady Scatter-Cushion might be to blame!
This is the third iteration of this small piece, intended only to provide guidance on the upcoming Farmers Insurance PGA tournament, which starts tomorrow. The first bash had a rather neatly worded preamble in the form of an apology for my thinking that every reporter on The Racing Post (and one from Bear Baiting Weekly) had got it wrong and that racing should indeed have been abandoned at Chelty last weekend. I defy anyone not to say I’m not too big to apologise!
I really hadn’t realised how risk-averse the hugely important media are and that their trenchant views should override all other voices, including jockeys, groundstaff, trainers, and stewards who were actually there on the day and who collectively probably know more about land management than I do. A fact I am happy to recognise - but in my defence, so loud were those voices after the event, that I must be wrong to think anything other than to abandon Cheltenham to the Moles.
I also suggest that we should, on similar grounds, stop all point-to-point racing, because the farm land, aka racecourse, gets used for other stuff, and so there is the risk that some old piece of broken-off tine from a Combine or a nut from a harrow might possibly be in the field. I’m also keen to stop three-day eventing because the crowds are far too close to the action, and some even walk over the course during the competition!
Imagine the chaos if Lady Scatter-Cushion were to trip crossing on the landing side of the Broken Down Goblin triple oxer on the downill section, which is normally taken at 30 mph as they turn left out of the woods, (you know the one I mean!), and requires three stewards to manage the crossing…. and nobody noticed until Polly Thrashem came thundering out of the trees on Jocko’s Trews III. I know it seems improbable, but as I now understand from the important warnings from all the potential Pulitzer Prize winners, the risk is simply too great.
Who would have taken responsibility? The Duke of Beaufort? The Scatter-Cushion Estate? Polly? The owners of Jocko? No No… This is all too much.
Anyway, I didn’t publish that one because Deep Thought, the AI brain box, chewed it up and lost it somewhere. I’m rather hoping it pops up in some Chinese espionage hack of London’s City fibre cables and is later used to undermine the BHA’s authority, the Gambling Commission, and thus bring down this wretched Government.
The second iteration focused instead on things to do with shop-bought Gnocchi. Largely, it was an idiot-proof recipe for chucking onions into olive oil: soften; add garlic; soften; add chorizo, Italian herbs, and the uncooked gnocchi, so you’re frying them in the pimenton, garlic-oniony oil. When you have colour, add a tin of Plum tomatoes (as an aside, plum toms are at least one grade better than chopped, so empty the tin through your hands and simply squeeze the plum toms into a pulp over the pan, much better for all concerned). Cook down. Add chilli flakes if you like. Season to taste. Eat. Watch 1883 on Netflix … bloody good Western.
Anyway, I saved that one, but I can’t find it anymore, so here are the golf selections.
