CHELTENHAM DAY 3 - PATRICKS DAY

Before I get stuck into the tips, can I just say…

In 21st-century England, is there really no better way to get 24 horses to start a race than a rubber band on a bend? Woeful, and frankly, at least a dozen horses had no chance yesterday because of the starter and a bunch of Irish amateurs. Really poor form and pathetic. Sack one person a day until someone comes up with a better solution, or we have to hand over the entire operation of British Racing to a collective of vegan violin string makers.

Secondly, why do we have to have this nonsense of St Patrick’s name being associated with the meeting? Patronising, imperialistic tosh. If the meeting is on the 17th - brilliant! I’d even settle for the day before or the day after - but almost a week away? In point of fact, we should be celebrating Scotland’s first martyr… St. Constantine of Cornwall, who started out as King of Cornwall. He was married to the daughter of the king of Brittany, who died young. Overcome with grief, he abdicated in favour of his son and became a monk at St. Mochuda's monastery at Rahan, Ireland. He performed menial tasks at the monastery, then studied for the priesthood and was ordained. He went as a missionary to Scotland under St. Columba and then St. Kentigern, preached in Galloway, and became Abbot of a monastery at Govan. In old age, on his way to Kintyre, he was attacked by pirates who cut off his right arm, and he bled to death. He is regarded as Scotland’s first martyr, and his feast day IS on Thursday, March 11th.

Please God, please let me and the rest of my fellow travellers not haemorrhage having had our wallet arms cut off by piratical bookmakers!

A dreadful day yesterday on all fronts… we just have to accept that is [a] the nature of drying ground [b] that not all race starts are created equal and that [c] we can spot them and often not back them!

I’ve run out of time thanks to drink and internet wobbles.