Chagos Chaos - the best place to buy cheap fags - and of course the racing

Increasingly No 10 and Craggy Island are beginning to merge into some strange dystopian political nightmare. If Father Ted appeared in Downing Street and Starmer appeared in Father Ted - would anyone notice?

Today, Starmer was trying to sound like an adenoidal William Wallace, swearing to use his dying breath to work for blah-di-blah. No one knows what he will die for, what he stands for, what his purpose is or why he thinks he should even be doing any of this. One thing is certain… it won’t be to defend the Chagos Islands fiasco, which will be blamed on the previous incumbents, plus ca change.

Tonight, the Maldives Government formally objected to the deal and is now seeking to block it, as it no longer recognises Mauritius's sovereignty over the Chagos Archipelago. In one master stroke of diplomacy, Father Ted has managed to sell Craggy Island to Afghanistan, who in turn wants to sub-let it to the Chinese, but no one thought to ask The Pope. I think that is what is happening - I guess we’ll just have to wait and see whether Craggy Island is a revenge target for Iran after the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps HQ gets hit by Dr Strangelove.

The corridors of Westminster are ablaze